I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
