Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
