Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
