Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Randomize
