PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
