so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
