it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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