Im at strip club and am horny
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
