She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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