You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
