these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
