last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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