You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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