So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
