New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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