i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
