i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
