I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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