I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
