Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
