Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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