I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
bring money and cleavage
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just want to make out with him forever
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
