My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
