Im at strip club and am horny
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
