Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
