Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
