I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
