woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
