non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
