A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
