I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I want to be your penis for a week.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
