I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
