chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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