So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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