I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
40s are totally the cure
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
