Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My Higher Power is John Stamos
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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