You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
