I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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