1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
why do cheetos always look like penises
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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