i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
