I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
