I puked a lego.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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