I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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