After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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