About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
