he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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