Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
