I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
