omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
