Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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